737 For Your Thoughts?

I typed this entry up on the flight home from Las Vegas last night.....

Taking a shit in an airplane bathroom is like trying shit in a cabinet.
Especially if you actually have fat or muscle mass and are over 4 foot
fucking 1. Seriously, im 6'3, 242lbs and almost had to coat the door
opening with ky just to get in the bathroom, nevermind the following
awkwardness that was me trying to turn around to put my bare ass on the
toilet seat without knocking shit over.

Yes, I sit bare ass on public toilets. You may try to hover, or even try
to hold it till you get home, and that's because you're a fucking pussy.
Our ancestors have survived CENTURIES without hovering over toilets,
so....why should we hover? Hell when I eat (and lord knows I eat a
fuckton) I celebrate when I have to shit, because that means I am
officially done with what I've eaten, not "oh im a walking vagina, I
need to go home and shit because of gerrrrrmmmmzzzzzzz". Fuck you and
fuck germs. Hell yeah I touch door handles, barehanded even! Germaphobes
are just like vegetarians. A waste of dna and further proof that people
are becoming more and more pussified. Am I not afraid of anything? Oh
no, I never said that. I am near deathly afraid of heights. But being
afraid of the distance from the top of the eiffel tower and the fucking
ground (as you tend to go SPLAT if you fall) is a little more legit of a
fear than being afraid of shit you're ancestors dealt with and survived
without 90% of the shit doctors have today.

And there goes the hot air waitress. No not stewardess/flight attendants.

Stewardesess/flight attendants should be called waitresses, there's no fucking difference
except 1.they're on a fucking airplane, and 2. If you sit near the back
of the plane with out headphones, you have to listen to them bitch about
how fat they are or, and I quote, "I get sick because of the junk I eat,
im more prone to sickness because of it". Yeah right. So that plate of
fries I ate last night is going to make me more prone to aids?? I think
the fuck not. The only thing eating shitty foods all the time will cause
is for you to get fatter and more annoying.

I am never sitting at the back of a plane again. The 2 mid forties aged
airborne waitresses are slowly making me dumber. Between "oh im getting
botox here and here, but im waiting until my face gets thinner" and my
favorite "let me list the 10000 vaccinations im getting out of fear".

Crap. They just offered my new wife and I a free drink as a wedding
present...that doesn't mean I still wouldn't rather sit in the fucking 2
inches of bathroom to get away from their conversation which I am sure
they will resume once seated again. Bollocks.

Oh and the brash looking 17 year old tool in front of me...TURN YOUR
FUCKING IPOD DOWN. My wife and I, even though we are reading and CHOSE
not to listen to our music, do not want to listen to your shitty mix. If
it were better songs, then maybe.

Crap the waitresses of the plane (again I refuse to call them
stewardesses/flight attendants), were nice and congratulated us...bah I still would rather
sit on the flight controls and risk farting so hard that the plane nose
dives and kills us all, because I know with great satisfaction (thanks
benny benassi) it would silence the air waitress wenches.

Yes this was typed/written on the plane mid flight. I had to, to retain
the shreds of my self restraint.

Hmmm maybe ill go shoehorn myself in the bathroom and shit again.

Nope nevermind, my alcohol just arrived, so its time to indulge. I got a
screwdriver and She got baileys and coffee. I love vodka, she loves
everything else, it just works so well!

Well, laters.

Ps. I need to stop travelling to places that remind me that the
NorthEast SUCKS so bad.

Pps. Dear fat older chick with the broken arm, you are making me fucking
regret every second I sit in this aisle seat because you seem to feel
the need to lose your balance and bump into me. I can't imagine where
you got the broken arm....maybe you lost your balance and your arm said
"captain I don't have the power to hold this hippo of a woman up" and
proceeded to snap. Damn lady, even your appendages think your fat!

Ppps. Great, two fat dudes just made a dash for the bathroom. If I
didn't actually fit in there, how the fuck will they? Crap nevermind,
one is hovering over my shoulder watching me type this, ah well fuck him
I have vodka in my veins and do not care. Oh and "all the small things"
just came on AGAIN on the 17 yr olds' loud ass earphones...is it his
theme song or something? I hope not lol...

.....and I just finished reading "Why We Suck" by Denis Leary.
Absolutely amazing book, I felt as if its what I would write in a book
if I were given the chance.

The End.

Yeah, now I'm home.

In The Air Tonight.

So here I sit, on the most uncomfortable couch in the fucking world, trying to think of things to put on this page. I'm tired, beyond hungry, and forgot EVERYTHING I had wanted to put here.

So here's what I've got.


1.T-Mobile. FUCK YOU. I understand it was 99% microsoft's fault (and fuck, what isn't these days?) that my sidekick has been fucked up, but the fact of how little compensation you have offered in return for my headache ridden yet continued loyal service is insulting to say the least.

2.I do not consider golf a sport. Is it easy to do? No. But I fail to see how it is a sport. There are no other players physically stopping you from getting the ball in the hole, and hell, you could walk down to the green and drop the ball right in if you felt like it! Someone just created a "sport" for the sake of doing something the fucking hard way.
This subject is not open for debate.

3.Religion. I'm only touching this briefly and wearing bio-hazard gloves, because it is always a testy fucking subject. I REFUSE to talk about religion anymore. It is pointless, and always ends with me thinking "why the fuck do I bother?". I don't try to argue with people over it, hell i used to love to talk about it, but now the joy in even tickling the idea of talking about it is ruined. People are such closed minded buffoons, that life and see life with the blinders on, to the point where if you even QUESTION the possibility of a deity, you're and idiot and should be shot. Are all faithy (yep I just invented a word) like that? Absolutely not!!! I am not trying to lump everyone into one barrel here, but the majority is, and as it goes, the majority has ruined it for me and others. Sorry.

4.Bananas. Is it just me or do they seem to compliment almost every other food?! Peanut butter? AWESOME. Peanut butter and bananas? HOLY SHIT, FOODGASM. Chocolate? Great (unless you're allergic)!! Chocolate and bananas? BANANASPLOSION!!! See what I'm getting at here? I mean short of meats and cheeses, there are very few things bananas do not seem to make awesome.

5.People, for the love of (insert deity here), stop bringing your cars to mechanics. Including me. Why? Because you're just going to tell us we are fucking wrong, or that it's impossible, or that it is too expensive. Sorry to break this to you folks so late in the game but, and listen real fucking close....MOST (not all mind you) OF THE TIME, ITS YOUR OWN STUPIDITY AND LACK OF MAINTENANCE THAT BROKE THE FUCKING CAR. Funny thing, how not changing your oil for 30,000 miles can cause an engine to fucking fail due to lack of proper lubrication, isn't it? Yes, then you bring your car to the dealer, and expect it for free, and then blow your top when it isn't covered under warranty due to abuse. Well of course its our fault you're fucking ignorant, how rude of us not realize that. My humblest apologies.

6. Fat People. Just real quick, stop bitching that your seats break, or your car pulls to the left, or the seat squeaks when you sit down. Guess what? Its your 300lb ass (literally lol) that is causing it to happen. Yes there are people large enough out there to cause a car to pull to the left while driving, I swear on my life I've seen it.

7. Hip hop artists. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. Your music is getting worse and more unoriginal every year. Seriously. The auto-tune phase was cute, but get over it and get back to basics, like oh I don't know.....decent lyric writing? There's so much bullshit going on these days and all you can seem to continually write about is (in no specific order) women, cars, and money? Please. Lock yourself in a room, and listen to NWA and Public Enemy, and don't come out until you have something legit to say.

8. The music industry. Fuck you, you are continually ruining all the music I love by cloning it if it is even remotely successfull.

9. Kanye West and JayZ. SIT DOWN AND SHUT THE FUCK UP. Hova, your new music is barely about mediocre, even by today's low as dogshit standards. Kanye, stop. Just...stop.

10. Even numbers. I'm very OCD about them, which is why this post is ending on number 10, and why I'm getting married on 11/2/09. 11+2+9= 22. Yeah, I suck with math, but I have an even number obsession. I'm weird.

Well I'm going to drown in a vat of egg nog now (the hood brand, all that other shit is horrid).

GoodNight!

Misery Signals.

25.
1/4 Century.

As of 10pm tonight, I will be officially be 25 years old. Technically, one quarter of my lifespan is over, and I move further into adulthood.

I have seen and experienced many things up to this point, both good and bad, and at sometimes great and horrible. Love, rejection, death, accomplishment, failure have all fallen within the lines of my existence.

I realize I've always done things the hard way, and I think for the first time its starting to pay off in multiple areas of my life. It's not perfect logic, but for some reason, I find it to be the best way for me to go about things.

I've made my share of mistakes, and while there are some regrets along the lines, I can honestly say I've come out of them ok. Thanks to my friends, music, and family, I think I'll make it through the next 25 years.

Run To The Hills

I had to .....HAD TO buy this album, they released it in 2006, and it is fucking awesome!



its good to know that after all these years, dickinson and the boys still have it!

Yes, they sound just as they did back in the day, which is not a bad thing by any means. Too many bands I think get too caught up in trying to change with the times just to stay viable, when in reality, if you look at bands like AC/DC, you can have a career without changing too much.

Another issue I see in music, is bands' second albums being horrible. Yes, alot of times their first album is probably just way too amazing to top with another release (A La Boston's first Album), but I think most of it is alot of pressure to try and ante up and make the people say yeaaaaaah a second time.

Ah well.

Yes this one is short, whatever.

-RedEvil

I Went Down Down Down in a Burning Ring of Fire....

Yesterday was a bit of a driving day, as I traveled in my Beetle most of the day.

During these travels, I got to thinking.....

......Man we are gonna get laughed at.

What do I mean?

Well.....

Think about it. When they put the first decades of the 2000s (2000 to 2010 for the morons) into the history books for future generations, what are going to be the major events they see?

-The first African American President was elected (ok that one is a good one!)
-GM and Chrysler falling the fuck on their faces into Chapter 11..
-A horrid recession
-The bullshit "war" in Iraq
-9/11
-That idiot Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich
-George W. Bush and Dick Cheney

.......and if my memory was in better shape the list would go on. Feel free to add more in the comments!!!

But yea, hopefully the next couple decades or so go better, otherwise my kids/grand kids will be like "Wow grandpa RedEvil, you guys were fucked for awhile huh? Thanks for fucking us big time with the repercussions!" lol

Think about it, alot of this shit going on today our kids and grandkids are going to have to foot the bill for.....

.....Now i'm definitely not leaving my cars to them because they'll have to sell them to pay off our debt to China.

Come to think of it, does anyone else find it humorous that we are in debt to a country that makes knockoffs of all our products??

Till Next Time Folks...

-RedEvil

Ok I'm a bit late on this one....

Alright so I know it's been a bit since the abortion known as American Idol has ended, but I feel the need to comment on it.

Why? I am sick of listening to people continue to bitch about the outcome.

GUESS WHAT, YOUR VOTE DOESN'T FUCKING COUNT.

How so?

Well yes, you do vote, and they do tally it up, but really, does it matter who wins? Most of the winners don't actually go on to do anything.....so what's the point?

First off, most of the people who come across that stage....suck. And the ones that do sound good sound like every other pop motherfucker we have on the radio now....so why do we need more?

Let's go over a few contestants here.....

Kelly Clarkson is actually talented. Yes I said it. I would also destroy her in bed, but that has to do more with her "other" oral talents.....

Daughtry? Didn't even win it. Bah. He's only still listened to because he sounds like the result of a drunken night of sex between Nickelback and Creed, and no one will admit to the baby.

Jordin Sparks? Medocre at best. Although I liked her for that song "No Air" with Chris Brown, because after the whole Chris beating up Rhianna thing came out, that shit had new hilarious meaning.

I'm not condoning what he did, but that song just became insanely ironic given the circumstances.

Carrie Underwood. Ok you and I both know that the Before He Cheats song was actually pretty good. Other than that....eh she makes a good sketchers model and that's about it.

Taylor Hicks. Ok all you motherfuckers knew he wouldn't be shit after AI. I mean cmon, there is NOTHING about him that is marketable to anyone other than people who still buy Buicks.

Now some of you are probably going "But RedEvil, if you hate AI so much, how do you know all the names?"....RESEARCH BITCHES.

I figure since everyone is bitching about it still, and I'm going to ramble pointlessly about it, I might as well have my poop in a group.

Also, the last dude to win it hasn't done SHIT since the show, and his album tanked when it came out. KTHXBAI.

Summary?

IT doesn't matter who wins, because 90% will fall back into mediocrity with the rest of us. Except Clay Aiken. But that's because everyone knew he was gay except for him.


See you next time folks....

-RedEvil

Torch the Fields, and Pray for Rain

Ah when it rains it pours doesn't it?

I find it rather amusing when people think that they are somewhat better than everyone else because they have a college degree. I mean don't get me wrong, props to them for doing the "right thing" and going through the rigors of college (and the parties of college life), but I fail to see how that can make someone better than someone else.

Example?

I'm a mechanic by trade, and while I dropped out of college whilst pursuing my degree in english, I don't see myself as any less of a user of the english language, and nor do I see myself as great for being a mechanic....

....so it fucking grinds my gears (yes that's a family guy reference) when I diagnose a car's problems, and the owner of the vehicle says, "well my son went to (insert auto school here), and he says that there is no way that can be the problem.

Oh? Then why the fuck isn't he working on it?

And then comes the obvious "well I'm sure when you went to school to fix cars you mast have learned the right way and wrong way to diagnose these things"....

I love the look on their stuck up faces when I calmly say "I studied english in college, and only became a mechanic because I'm too broke to pay someone else to fix my cars".

I dunno, maybe I'm nitpicking here, but if you bring your car to me to be fixed, do you or don't you want me to fix it? Or did you just bring it here so me and your son can compare notes and talk cars?

The best is when they ask me to look at the car, tell me I'm wrong, and then they come back a week later saying their son found that the issue was what I said it was in the first place, and that he doesn't even have the right tools to fix the issue (for things such as rear wheel bearings).

I mean I don't go into ice cream places asking for a sundae, and then tell them they're doing it wrong because my brother (100% serious here) graduated from a culinary college and that's not the way he would make it, now do I?????

Although, the only people I think we need to tell they're doing it wrong are the politicians. But we all knew that ;)

Till next time folks!

-RedEvil

ps. I've been at work from 7am and I'll be here until 7pm. I'm so bored that not only am I updating this, but I've been hiding in the back seat of cars that on of the other techs have been working on and jumping out at them when they get in the front seat. Yeah, I'm an ass like that, BUT IT'S SO FUN!!!


LET'S PUT A SMILE ON THAT FACE!!!!

RIP Heath Ledger :(