.....not like myself lately.
Ever since sunday....something....changed, or broke, or finally snapped. I have no idea.
I feel twitchy. I feel random bouts of rage. I'm randomly clenching my fists for no reason at all.
I find myself dizzy, light headed, and disconnected from reality. What the fuck happened?
Granted....let's be honest, a lot of this is possibly just deep seeded shit that has come to the surface, as you can only suppress so much for so long, but a lot of it, its not normal, its not me.
I....am not....I
And I haven't the slightest clue as to why. I've been getting random pains all over my head, maybe its connected? I don't know, I'm a mechanic, not a doctor Jim!
I know people are going to go with the whole "well maybe you should go to the doctor" or "you need to get some help" bits, but its not that easy.
I'm not making any money. "Help" costs money. If I take time to go get "help", I will miss what little work there is at the shop. Its a vicious cycle. But that is my life.
And let me be fucking CRYSTAL GOD DAMN CUNT FUCKING CLEAR. This is not a plea for help, a dance for attention, or a begging for a handout. I don't want or need ANYONE'S HELP.
I'm just trying to walk myself through my own head to try and figure out the issue here, as there are several.
All I did Sunday was throw up, feel sick, and shiver. I can't even begin to fathom how the fuck that could have caused anything I'm experiencing....shit even the slightest conversation makes me want to rip someone's head off. But then out of nowhere, like yesterday at work around 2ish, I'll be laughing and joking and ecstatic to exist.
Outside of that, I'm coming to find new things are starting to trigger my temper....obviously I will not list them here, as people are fucking cock gobbling pieces of shit and would no sooner try them on purpose to see what happened. Cunts.
Its so.....strange. Like even right now, I have no idea wtf my issue is, but I just feel so.....angry. Like....to the brink of violence. I've never been like that, even at my worst.
Yes, I will admit, things aren't going so great, but....I don't know. I fail to see how that could cause me to not feel like......me.
The echoes in my head aren't like they used to be so to speak. I can't concentrate. I keep zoning out. My chest will randomly tense up and hurt.
Maybe Sunday has nothing to do with it? Were these issues here all along, and I just never experienced them enough to notice or care? Again, I have no idea.
Something has to give eventually I suppose......
Or am I finally just succumbing to everything I've kept from everyone?
Or am I finally crumbling?
Fucked if I know. I have no fucking idea.
And every time I think to myself "Why don't you talk to someone about all this shit?", my mind instantly thinks of each person I would feel comfortable talking to, and then comes up with a list of 1000 reasons why not to tell them .
I know its not good to assume, but I just.....don't feel like I can actually talk to anyone and get the results I need. However, that too is most likely my own damned fault.
I don't know. For the first time in my life....I can honestly say I have no fucking idea what the hell is going on.
So maybe I don't have an answer for everything.....how painfully ironic.
