I Lit The Match, And Turned Away.

The End Is Near!!


Ah finally, the end of 2009. This year, overall, has sucked the biggest set of balls out of any year preceding it, except for 1997 and 1998 respectively.
So what's so special about this particular blog post as opposed to the typical nonsensical rantings I post here?

ITS MY 10 FAVORITE ALBUMS OF THE YEAR BITCHES!!!!

Let me just say a few things up front (AKA The Disclaimer):

1.All country offerings were immediately disqualified the second they came out, as I despise cousin fuckin' pickup truck music.
2.There were slim fucking pickin's this year my friends, and it isn't looking too good for next year either.
3.Killswitch Engage was a HUGE fucking letdown this year, with their self titled release. It almost seems that because All That Remains screwed the pooch and started to suck with their newest release, that KSE had to follow suit.
4.I think I drove my Bug more this year than last. Just saying.
5.No one has yet to release an album that I listen to more than Misery Signals' 2008 release Controller. I just cannot get over how fucking awesome that album is, seriously. When I got my Subaru back from a friend whom I let borrow it, what was the first thing I did? Popped in Controller and went for a long drive just so I could smother myself with the awesomeness and yell along to every fucking word.
6.Thank you 311 for proving that you still can make a good album. After Evolver and Don't tread on me, I was getting worried.
7. This is MY FUCKING LIST. You don't like it? TOO FUCKING BAD. Feel free to comment, but I reserve the right to ignore you.

Another FYI/sidenote, as far as 311 goes, my favorite album by them is Sound System, from 1999. Every album they release, unfairly enough, is compared to that album. So take what I say about UpLifter with that pound of salt. Thank you.

So let's get on down to The List!!!!!!

10. Arch Enemy: The Root Of All Evil

In my humble and oft-disagreed with opinion, this year in music, especially heavy music, sucked. However, its good to see Arch Enemy back to making good music. As with NFG, their last album was....less than impressive. But enough with the past and on with the present!!! I LOVE Arch Enemy's guitar work, always have, and on this album it fucking SHINES. Not to say Angela Gossow's vocals arent great on every album but people, trust me. The guitars are the reason to listen Arch Enemy. Oh and the drums are good too, but you get the point.
Lyrics: A
Music: A++
Production: A+

9. Breaking Benjamin- Dear Agony

Another solid release from the B.B. boys. Granted this album isn't anything ground breaking, but in a world of 1 album wonders, its a relief that a few artists year after year can still produce good music.
Lyrics: B+
Music: B
Production: A

8. Lady Gaga- Fame Monster (deluxe edition)

Oh Lady Gaga how I enjoy thee. Why? Why!? Because. When you break it down, her music is just fun to listen to. Yes there isn't alot of substance or depth, but sometimes that's ok. Her voice really isn't that bad, and while her lyrics aren't anything to write home about, they work for the music. The music is great. The beats are solid, and all the various sound effects go great with each other. As a closet electronica junkie, the music is really where I get my satisfaction. Granted, her songs are as catchy as herpes, but not as bad to deal with.
Lyrics: B-
Music: A++
Production: A++

7. New Found Glory: Not Without A Fight

HELL YEAH NEW FOUND GLORY!!!!!!
After their last album, I had lost all hope in the NFG guys, but one day my wife showed up to my work with this album after buying it on a whim and I figured why not give it a shot. Well I do not regret it. I went on to buy this CD for myself. Great classic pop punk, pretty much all the typical stuff that made that genre fun to listen to.
Lyrics: A-
Music: A
Production: (it was produced by mark hoppus of Blink 182) A-

6. Royce Da 5'9"- Street Hop

In a day and age of EPIC FUCKING FAIL Hip Hop, Royce Da 5'9" fucking delivers. Hard. His flow is ridiculous, his lyrical skill is epic, and fuck even the beats aren't bad. Its actually kinda sad how unknown this motherfucker is, because his ability is leaps and bound over those idiots you hear via mainstream media these days. He is in my top 5 rappers of all time list for sure.
Lyrics: A+
Music/Beats: A
Production: A

5. SlaughterHouse (self titled)

I know I know, technically Royce has made it TWICE on this list, but let that only be a credit to his ability, nevermind how great his cohorts are on this album. Joe Budden, Cooked I, Royce Da 5'9", and Joell Ortiz are the afore mentioned cohorts in Slaughterhouse. Individually, I've only really listened to Royce, but let me tell you, on this album they all fucking shine brilliantly. All their flows and and lyrical abilities are beyond epic. This album is THE hip hop album of the year, and I believe its the one all these recent jackass mainstream rappers should be compared to.
Lyrics: A+++++
Music/Beats: A+
Production: A+

4. The Lonely Island- Incredibad

What can I possibly say about this album that hasn't been said. It is funny as all fuck. End of story. There are very few "joke" music albums (Tenacious D etc) that are actually funny from start to finish, actually combine good comedy with good music, and this is one of them. The obvious songs to preach are "I'm on a boat" and "Jizz in my pants", but I'll be damned if "Space Olympics" and "DreamGirl" aren't my faves. This album has spent a fuckton of time in my car's cd player, and I still listen to it, which is rare for comedy albums.
Lyrics:A++
Music: A++
Production A- (The production on "Sax Man" is damned near horrible)

3. Chimaira: The Infection

Hells yes. Chimaira is one of my favorite heavier bands, and this album strengthens my love of their music. On every album they are heavy as hell, but on this one they change it up and do it a little more methodically. Let me tell you, this is one of those rare times a band switches up their style and doesn't fuck it up. On their self titled album released a few years ago, there were hints of what was to come, and this new album solidifies it. From start to finish this album kicks your face in and shows no regret. Just how it should be!
Lyrics: A++
Music: A++++
Production: A+

2. 311- Uplifter

HUZZAH, 311 IS GOOD AGAIN! lol.
Remember what I said earlier, I compare everything they release to "Soundsystem". This album stacks up nicely. It isn't better than, but it is almost equal to, Soundsystem. I love the guitar work, and how the whole album just feels good to listen to, which considering the title is a good thing. Otherwise they'd be a bunch of liars. I must be honest, the first time I heard "Hey You", I was skeptical. but again wifey bought it on a whim, and JENGA! I loved it as well. This is another cd that has spent a fuckton of time in my car cd player, and I enjoyed every minute of it. And, much like Soundsystem, it is a great summer cd to listen to with the windows down on a beautiful day. Absolutely a solid album start to finish, and even the softer songs aren't that bad, like "Love Song" was. Fuck I hate that song, the cover and the original.
Lyrics: A
Music: A++
Production: A++

AND NOW FOR THE NUMBER ONE EPIC FAVORITE OF MINE OF 2009!!!!!

And the winner is...........................

THE PRODIGY.



1.The Prodigy- Invaders Must Die.
Jesus unclefucking Christ was this album great. Fuck every other album that came out this year, this was the best. Hands down. But I think you get the point. Liam Howlett and the boys have released a solid piece of music here, and I swear this album got played nonstop by me for at least two months straight. The music is fun, deep, and amazing in general. The beats are solid. The lyrics, albeit few, are to the point and are worth listening to, which is rare on an electronica album. Fuck me there are not enough ways to put into words how fucking great this album is. Get it. You will not regret it.

I'm not counting lyrics here, because....well there aren't that many words in the songs!
Music: A MOTHERFUCKING ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Production: A++++++++++++++++++++++


Thank you Prodigy for not making this year in music a complete fucking waste of my auditory abilities. Thank you thank you thank you.


Now for other stuff.....

Biggest Letdowns!!!

This year was weak for music. In every genre. Let's face it. But the following are albums I had high hopes for:

1. Reel Big Fish: Fame, Fortune, and Fornication.
Good god what a turd. I know its an album of cover songs, but c'mon at least try to make them decent. Bleh.

2. HateBreed (self titled)
It seems that every year, one of my favorite bands is hell bent on dropping a turd on me. This album was a complete letdown. Honestly, and this may be cruel, but seeing as their former guitarist commited suicide (RIP Lou "Boulder" Richards) and Sean Martin quit, you would've thought this would have been heavier and more brutal. But it wasn't. It was merely a fucking whimper compared to their past 3 albums (I do not count "for the lions" as an album, sorry), and it brings me great disappointment. Hell Jamey Jasta even tries to sing on some of the songs. WHAT!? NO! I hope that this will never happen again.

3. Yeah Yeah Yeahs: It's Blitz!
What an inaptly titled album. They should've named it "Its Boring!". What a fucking snoozefest of a cd, boring and lacking of anything that made me want to listen to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs in the first place. The first single "Zero" is not a bad song by any means, but it just goes downhill FAST from there on out. Such a shame.

4. Mastadon: Crack the Skye
Ok first off, I know I am going to catch a shitton of flack for not liking this cd, but whatever. This album was hyped up everywhere I looked, even on Adult Swim. What a letdown. I just do not find it that interesting to listen to, and good god does the singer's voice annoy the piss out of me. I like their older stuff, but this release? DO NOT WANT.

5. Raekwon: Only Built For Cuban Linx II
This is my own fault here. The original OBFCL was a great hip hop album for its time, and I thought Raekwon would be able to duplicate its epicness. I was wrong. It isnt horrible, but that is far from meaning its great. Perhaps I expected too much?

Honorable Mentions!!!

These albums were good, but just not good enough. Plain and simple. I'll keep it short here.

1. Dethklok: Dethalbum II
2. Alice In Chains: Black Gives Way to Blue
3. August Burns Red: Constellations
4. Lamb of God: Wrath
5. Chevelle: SciFi Crimes
6. Rammstein: Liebe Ist Für Alle Da


And that's all folks!!!

PS. Who the fuck keeps letting HEDpe release albums?! MAKE IT STOP. PLEASE.

Bad Romance.

Good evening everyone.

I would like to take a moment and announce that Honey Dew Donuts has the BEST fucking pre-made (cmon we know that shit isn't fresh) hot chocolate ever.

On to business.

Fuck you Rolling Stone magazine. Over the years I have never come across such a failed attempt of a group of people trying to write about music. To say they are biased would be only the tip of the fail iceberg.

I mean seriously, who the fuck actually considers Kurt Cobain a talented singer and guitarist? TWO OF HIS FUCKING SONGS WERE PRETTY MUCH THE SAME SET OF FUCKING RIFFS! Nevermind the fact that he didn't actually sing, so much as whine his way through songs. Yet somehow, some fucking way, he made it on both of Failing Stone's top 100 singers list, and top 100 guitarists list within the top 30....HOW THE FUCK IS THAT POSSIBLE?! Hell nevermind that, how is it Janis fucking Joplin is on the list of singer, ms. i sound like a bitch with a sore throat vomiting into a mic herself, make it on the singer list.....but yet Brad Delp from Boston, who WAS KNOWN FOR HIS ACTUAL SINGING ABILITY didn't?! Nevermind even that, how'd she make it higher on the list than Steve Perry from Journey?

I love how Rolling Stone will be all about a trend or a band, and then as soon as it/they become unpopular, they start the bash wagon up. Example? I remember them talking positively about Mudvayne when they first arrived on the music scene a few years back, but in this month's issue about the top albums/artists from the first 2000s decade, (I swear they have worse lists than VH1) they're referring to them and Limp Bizkit as baggy jean wearing dipshits....

HUH?!

Holy hypocrisy Batman.

Moving on, as I'm trying not to give myself a heart attack over this shit.....

Fuck its cold outside (11deg F to be exact) but you know what? It doesn't bother me. Yep I said it. It's just come to a point of after living in New England for 25 years, I've just come to expect it. And besides, if it's this cold, it won't snow. HA!

Christmas is next week. Thank (religious deity). I'm even more broke than usual, trying to get the Nissan Situation situated, and trying to get people gifts. And yes, I am that person who actually feels bad for not getting people gifts. I don't know when I developed that problem, but yeah.

I just saw a commercial for Mariah Crazy As Fuck Carey's perfume line. I was stunned to say the least, mostly because it wasn't described as "Scents From the Looney Bin".

Hmmm.....

Anyone ever notice that after christmas and new years (I prefer new years btw, much better parties), the next decent holiday isn't until March (St. Patty's Day!)? Don't even try to bring that "Oh what about valentine's day" bullshit in here. Valentine's day, much like Columbus day isn't a real fucking holiday. If anything its another shot for Hallmark and other card vendors to stay in the financial black.

And why the fuck does columbus have a holiday?! "He discovered America!"... WRONG. 1. HE LANDED ON PUERTO RICO. 2.How did he discover something that was already here, and already had people living within its coasts?!
Yes, he proved the world wasn't flat. Goody gumdrops. Dr. Gattling proved you could put a fuckton of bullets into the air at person via the gattling gun, but he doesn't have a holiday does he?!

Whatever.

So as we know, I'm all for leaving Tiger (tiger tiger) Woods (y'all) alone. However, I am wondering when that idiot who did the Leave Britney Alone video is going to pop up for another shot at 15sec of fame with a "Leave Tiger Alone" video.

Extra points if he wears a tiger suit.

And a quick shout out/big ups to the following:

Phlip, for his section on why Tiger Woods should be left alone.
Kobe Bryant, because even though I am not a Lakers fan, his buzzer beater was epic, and lets be realistic, the motherfucker can BALL.
The Boston Red Sox, for picking up John Lackey.

Now to get serious for a minute.

Today 26 year old Chris Henry, wide reciever for the Cin. Bengals, lost his life.

I ask that after reading this blog you have a moment of silence out of respect to his family and comrades on his team.

Thank you.

The Cake is a Lie, Boobs are Forever!

Hells yeah boobs!

So yesterday found me in great pain and in the hospital trying to figure out why I felt like I have taken a fucking .357 round to the chest.

AND IMAGINE THAT, IT WAS STRESS RELATED!!!

I know, you're reading this going "C'mon Red, you? Stressed? Needing to chill the fuck out? Lies."

Apparantly, my acid reflux and horrid habit of being stressed all the fucking time decided to team up. WITH OUR POWERS COMBINE, YOU'RE GONNA HURT MOTHERFUCKER!

I'm switching to this color for a reason. Hang with me.

So what's with the title? Well the officially named (by me, so its a official) Hot Dr. Brittany was using her stethescope (spelling?) on my back, HER TITS WERE PRETTY MUCH IN MY FACE. As for this color? This is merely a celebration of what color shirt she was wearing, or that I wish was laying on the floor next to my hospital bed. God damn she was fine. Which was a relief considering that I hate needles, and the dude nurse decided to use a fucking 14 gauge needle to put a bloodspout (essentially) in my right arm. He told me he had good veins, but he wasn't Scott Weiland or a heroin dealer....weird. But yeah, Hot doctors make everything better!! Even the super short, barely english speaking, chinese xray chick was cute....until she kept saying every 5 fucking seconds "oh....you so tall!". Yes, Xray Chick, yes I am. NOW PHOTOGRAPH MY INNARDS AND FIGURE MY SHIT OUT! The best part was went the short gnome looking lady came in and said "the needle in your right arm is too big, so the blood cells broke when they came out into the test vial.".....No big deal, just pop the cap off the ol' bloodspout and take more. No. Wait. WTF?! ANOTHER NEEDLE?! This time in my left arm. Thesepeople are sadists. I swear. But hurray for Hot Dr. Brittany and her breasts. Especially in one of my favorite colors, purple. What is the reminder here?

I FUCKING HATE NEEDLES. I strongly dislike hospitals as it is, BUT RELIGIOUS DEITY DAMN PEOPLE, I FUCKING HATE NEEDLES. THAT SHIT JUST FEELS WEIRD!

I wonder if hookers/whores/sluts/pornstars hate needles....I mean they're always getting poked,prodded, stuck with objects, and having random items inserted into them anyways....

But I digress. Well right now I digest, as I just finished lunch.

But anyways, fear not as I'm not dead, nor am I going anywhere, I just need to actually get my acid reflux taken care of (I know I know, the nerve of that woman, suggesting that! ROFL), and I need to learn to chill the fuck out. Which is hard. Those of you with the religious deity given pleasure to know me in person (except for Paaaaaaat, he hasn't asked me to hang out :( but you should check out his blog PigBombs) know that I may or may not be (they havent proven it in court yet) a very go go go go person. So chilling out? Meh, not so much in my vernacular.

Back to Red.

I would like to take a moment to welcome back Phlip (what up?!) from his "I'm on a boat!" trip recently. You should check out his escapades, at callmephlip.blogspot.com.

Why all the shoutouts? Why the fuck not? Besides, I wouldn't suggest them if they weren't good shit (Paaaat literally, as he smells horrible), and I'm sure you'll enjoy it.


So Tiger (tiger tiger woods y'all!) decided to be a typical rich dude and bang a bunch of hot chicks, and his wife.

Where is the issue here?!

Before you answer, try and tell me with a straight face that if you were him you wouldn't pull the same shit. Anyone who says otherwise is a fucking liar. Seriously, men of stature such as his (even though he is a golfer, which is latin for gay) are always doing this shit, so why i he such a surprise?

Oh but he's such a nice guy....yeah apparantly they thought so. Or at lest that though his penis and wallet were nice guys.

Multiple bitches and a fuckton of money? That's Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-eat!

Sorry, couldn't help myself.

I love how this shit was all over the news. Starvation and AIDS in Africa? Bitch please, that shit is so played! We need fresh meaningful new! Like Tiger's penile antics! Because we as commonfolk would neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeveeeer do that. Right. Sure.

Whenever a celebrity slips, we are there as a populus mob to hit them with every stone in the vicinity. But, why don't we do that when they make shitty products?

Example: If Nicholas Cage actually lands another movie (and it will suck) we get to light him on fire. Why? Well if he still thinks people want to see his horrid movies, he's slipped up big time in my book.

Next time Grandma Madonna tries to look young and sexy (and not like gap toothed skeletor), we get to dust off the guillotine, and OFF WITH HER HEAD! Besides, I think her two front gapped teeth would make a great mounted beer bottle opener at a bar.

Next time Sarah Palin.....aw fuck it, next time she even breathes, we nuke Alaska with her hog tied (fully clothed, as I can imagine she is not as attractive underneath as everyone had her pegged to be) to a flagpole in the center of the state. Think of all the oil we'd find! That and the fact Alaska actually elected her as something other than town hooker makes me question the sanity of the Alaskan people, and how the snow has effected it.

Religious deity damn it I hate her, she's like a fucking media cockroach, you just can't seem to keep her the fuck away!

Well, I should probably go back to work, so many shitboxes, not enough hours in the day.....oh wait. Work is about as busy as the Cadbury Egg plant in anytime OTHER than easter. (reference? oh yes it is! youtube it under Upright Citizens Brigade. Sheer Genius).

Au Revoir!

BOOBS!

ps. Check out the FujiiSPL blog as well!