737 For Your Thoughts?

I typed this entry up on the flight home from Las Vegas last night.....

Taking a shit in an airplane bathroom is like trying shit in a cabinet.
Especially if you actually have fat or muscle mass and are over 4 foot
fucking 1. Seriously, im 6'3, 242lbs and almost had to coat the door
opening with ky just to get in the bathroom, nevermind the following
awkwardness that was me trying to turn around to put my bare ass on the
toilet seat without knocking shit over.

Yes, I sit bare ass on public toilets. You may try to hover, or even try
to hold it till you get home, and that's because you're a fucking pussy.
Our ancestors have survived CENTURIES without hovering over toilets,
so....why should we hover? Hell when I eat (and lord knows I eat a
fuckton) I celebrate when I have to shit, because that means I am
officially done with what I've eaten, not "oh im a walking vagina, I
need to go home and shit because of gerrrrrmmmmzzzzzzz". Fuck you and
fuck germs. Hell yeah I touch door handles, barehanded even! Germaphobes
are just like vegetarians. A waste of dna and further proof that people
are becoming more and more pussified. Am I not afraid of anything? Oh
no, I never said that. I am near deathly afraid of heights. But being
afraid of the distance from the top of the eiffel tower and the fucking
ground (as you tend to go SPLAT if you fall) is a little more legit of a
fear than being afraid of shit you're ancestors dealt with and survived
without 90% of the shit doctors have today.

And there goes the hot air waitress. No not stewardess/flight attendants.

Stewardesess/flight attendants should be called waitresses, there's no fucking difference
except 1.they're on a fucking airplane, and 2. If you sit near the back
of the plane with out headphones, you have to listen to them bitch about
how fat they are or, and I quote, "I get sick because of the junk I eat,
im more prone to sickness because of it". Yeah right. So that plate of
fries I ate last night is going to make me more prone to aids?? I think
the fuck not. The only thing eating shitty foods all the time will cause
is for you to get fatter and more annoying.

I am never sitting at the back of a plane again. The 2 mid forties aged
airborne waitresses are slowly making me dumber. Between "oh im getting
botox here and here, but im waiting until my face gets thinner" and my
favorite "let me list the 10000 vaccinations im getting out of fear".

Crap. They just offered my new wife and I a free drink as a wedding
present...that doesn't mean I still wouldn't rather sit in the fucking 2
inches of bathroom to get away from their conversation which I am sure
they will resume once seated again. Bollocks.

Oh and the brash looking 17 year old tool in front of me...TURN YOUR
FUCKING IPOD DOWN. My wife and I, even though we are reading and CHOSE
not to listen to our music, do not want to listen to your shitty mix. If
it were better songs, then maybe.

Crap the waitresses of the plane (again I refuse to call them
stewardesses/flight attendants), were nice and congratulated us...bah I still would rather
sit on the flight controls and risk farting so hard that the plane nose
dives and kills us all, because I know with great satisfaction (thanks
benny benassi) it would silence the air waitress wenches.

Yes this was typed/written on the plane mid flight. I had to, to retain
the shreds of my self restraint.

Hmmm maybe ill go shoehorn myself in the bathroom and shit again.

Nope nevermind, my alcohol just arrived, so its time to indulge. I got a
screwdriver and She got baileys and coffee. I love vodka, she loves
everything else, it just works so well!

Well, laters.

Ps. I need to stop travelling to places that remind me that the
NorthEast SUCKS so bad.

Pps. Dear fat older chick with the broken arm, you are making me fucking
regret every second I sit in this aisle seat because you seem to feel
the need to lose your balance and bump into me. I can't imagine where
you got the broken arm....maybe you lost your balance and your arm said
"captain I don't have the power to hold this hippo of a woman up" and
proceeded to snap. Damn lady, even your appendages think your fat!

Ppps. Great, two fat dudes just made a dash for the bathroom. If I
didn't actually fit in there, how the fuck will they? Crap nevermind,
one is hovering over my shoulder watching me type this, ah well fuck him
I have vodka in my veins and do not care. Oh and "all the small things"
just came on AGAIN on the 17 yr olds' loud ass earphones...is it his
theme song or something? I hope not lol...

.....and I just finished reading "Why We Suck" by Denis Leary.
Absolutely amazing book, I felt as if its what I would write in a book
if I were given the chance.

The End.

Yeah, now I'm home.